Wal-Mart and The Wolvemeister
by PearlyJammer
Summary: What Happens when the junior X-Men wreak havoc in Wal-Mart?


Title: Wal-Mart and The Wolvemeister   
Author: Autumn   
Email: eddievedderismylife@hotmail.com   
Archive Rights: If you actually want it, uh, get your head checked.   
Rating: R   
Category: Stupidest Fic Ever. If it's not a category, it should be.   
Author's Notes: A HUGE thank you to Karen who not only took the time to beta this for me, but she actually retyped it when I was stupid enough to accidentally delete the original draft off of my computer.   
  
In retrospect, Logan realized that there was a reason one didn't willingly accompany a group of hyperactive, caffeine-addled teenagers on a shopping/terrorist excursion. He wondered for the umpteenth time exactly how he'd been coerced into it anyway. Oh, wait that answer was easy. A little girl with brown and white hair, green eyes and the sweetest smile this side of Mississippi.   
Logan had long ago accepted the fact that she had him wrapped around her little finger. It was useless to pretend otherwise. His one weakness was Marie. And because of his weakness, the X-Men were currently banned from ALL Wal-Marts across the nation for life. Scott had asked him, "Was it worth it?" And for once Logan actually thought about what Scott said. In a rare philosophical moment Logan analyzed the elements leading up to the current predicament.   
  
Earlier that afternoon.......   
Logan had been sitting on the patio, smoking a cigar and starting at Marie, err, reading Motorcycle Monthly. The object of his attention slowly sauntered up to him. Logan's peripheral vision allowed his eyes to devour the way Marie's graceful body moved without turning his head, lest he be caught gawking at her.   
Feigning indifference, Logan continued to glance at the magazine as Marie straddled a chair and rested her head on her arms. After about a minute, he cocked a brow and turned his face to her.   
"Something ya want, darlin'?" He casually drawled.   
She fidgeted in her seat, which was a sure sign that she wanted something, and what Marie wanted, Marie got. All of Logan's instincts screamed at him to vacate the premises immediately. He was getting ready to do just that when she opened her mouth.   
"Ya got any plans today, sugar?" she inquired in her sweet honey accent.   
"No. Why?" He asked suspiciously.   
"Well, the gang and I are kinda bored and we want you to take us somewhere." She told him.   
"But, where do you want to go, Marie?"   
"Wal-Mart."   
"A store? You want me to go into a store?" he asked incredulously.   
"Well, you could always stay in the van while we go in..." She trailed off.   
"Abso-fuckin-lutly not." He stated in a firm tone.   
She straightened up from her chair and leaned herself against it, giving Logan a clear view of her cleavage.   
"I'll make it worth your while." She promised.   
One look at her was all it took to get him to do anything and she damn well knew it. Logan resigned himself to his fate, wondering exactly how she was going to make it worth his time and energy. He could think of a few ways to spend time with her, and maximize their energy, but that was best left unsaid. Just because she knew how he felt about her didn't mean he had to say it.   
"Ten minutes. Meet me in the garage." He growled.   
  
Half an hour later.......   
As the group entered the building, Logan noticed all the teens were carrying little slips of sheet paper and giggling in hushed tones. All except Marie that is. She was oddly quiet, to be completely honest. Logan found that fact more disconcerting than her friends suspicious chatter. He was ready to comment on it when she suddenly turned to face firefly.   
"St. John, how long is this gonna take?" She asked.   
The boy glanced at his bare wrist before stating, "About an hour and 42 minutes."   
"Alright, then we'll meet back here at 12 after two." Rogue concluded.   
Logan watched in amazement as Kitty, Bobby and Kurt synchronized their watches before splitting into pairs. Jubilee and Remy careened off towards the automotive department. Bobby and Kitty went into the men's clothing department and Kurt and St. John headed in the direction of the toys.   
Before he had a chance to ponder the puzzling situation any more, Logan found himself pulled towards the entertainment part of the store. As they neared the CD display, Logan noticed three young assholes leering at Marie. He instinctively slipped his arm around her waist and pulled her close to him. When one of the young punks had the audacity to wink and whistle at her, Logan stopped cold in his tracks.   
"Logan?" Rogue questioned the tense man beside her. His arm around her waist was trembling slightly in anger, she knew he was seconds away from unsheathing his claws. She pulled him closer to her and whispered in his ear, "Logan, sugar, they're not worth it."   
As he gazed into her soft eyes, the instinct to fight fled from his body. All he wanted to do was curl up at her feet, or better yet, curl up to her warm, naked body and - whoa there, better just calm down there, Logan. He gave her a lopsided smile and turned to walk down the aisle with her.   
"Well, look at that. The hottie's man is a total puss!" One of the punks said.   
Rogue tore herself from Logan's grip and lunged at the boy. Her punch hit its target, achieving the goals of breaking his nose and knocking him on his ass. Logan grinned and pulled Rogue back.   
"Careful, darlin', you don't want to get your hands all sore on account of them, now do ya?" He asked the struggling girl.   
She stopped fidgeting and leaned back into him. He kissed the top of her head and released her. Rogue pulled a pen and a slip of paper from her pocket. Logan watched curiously as she made a neat little 'x' by a row of typed letters.   
"You gonna tell me what yer doin'?" he asked with amusement in his tone.   
She batted her eyelashes at him coquettishly. "Why whatever do you mean, sugar?"   
He chuckled and allowed her to take his hand and pull him into the women's department. He glanced around in confusion.   
"Uh, Marie, what are we doing here?"   
"Finding me a swimsuit." She answered him.   
Yeah, like he needed 'that' image swimming around in his mind. He grumbled and gulped nervously as she led him towards the bikinis. Rogue picked up an assortment of bathing suits and held them up to herself.   
"Logan, which one do you like?" She asked as she held a turquoise blue suit against her.   
"Uh..." He started.   
"I've got an idea. You sit right over here and I'll try them all on and you can tell me which one looks the best." She reasoned.   
As Marie strode to the changing room, Logan placed his head in his hands. He resigned himself to the fact that his stock in Marie fantasies was about to get fuller.   
  
Meanwhile, in the toy aisle..........   
St. John and Kurt had just finished piling all of the action figures in a pyramid when a hand clamped down on St. John's back. He turned to see "Ed" who was not your average sized Wal-Mart employee. The man almost rivaled Sabretooth in height, not to mention weight. The stocky man opened his mouth and in a thick Scottish brogue said, "Ay, what do ya think you're dooin?"   
St. John spoke up first, "We were, just uh,--"   
"Testing out the durability of the boxes that the toys are in." Kurt finished.   
"Ay, in that case carry on lads." Ed acquiesced before turning and walking back the way he came.   
The two junior X-Men stared at each other.   
"That was close man, nice cover." St. John said.   
"It was nothing, ya have the marbles?" Kurt asked.   
"Yeah, okay ready?" St. John replied.   
The two boys backed away and St. John ripped open the economy-sized bag of jumbo marbles. They rolled underneath the first layer of boxes, if you didn't know any better, you'd never see the glittering black orbs. The boys admired their handiwork and went off to find a victim.   
Kurt walked over to one of the courtesy phones. He cleared his throat and plugged in the code that got the intercom.   
"Attention Wal-Mart Team Members. We have a code 11 cleanup on aisle 4. I repeat, a code 11 cleanup on aisle 4."   
The little blue mutant hung up the phone and he and St. John hightailed it to watch the action. They grinned evilly as their pal Ed stalked over to the toy aisle.   
"Testing durability, my arse! Nasty little buggers!" he exclaimed as he lifted the first box.   
Ed made the fatal mistake of nudging his foot forward into a box and dislodging the marbles.   
"Shite! Bloody, bastards!" He called as he flew into the air and landed on his back.   
The boxes flew all over the place, thus creating the desired effect. St. John and Kurt hightailed it out of there, and sought cover from the not so jolly Scottish ogre they knew would be looking for them.   
  
Elsewhere in the Automotive Department.........   
"Jubilee, you sure this will work, chere? De Wolverine will not suspect a thing, non?" Gambit questioned the yellow-glad girl.   
"Look dude, as far as distractions, that's Rogue's territory. It's not our fault if Wolvie happens to pick up the um, wrong kinda plugs cause he's too busy thinking about certain parts of our girl he'd like to plug."   
"Oui, you are no petite, non." Remy addressed Jubilee's terminology.   
"Nope, babe. Nothing but straight shootin' from me!" she grinned.   
"Now, we've just gotta make sure that Rogue's guy grabs the right box."   
  
In the Women's Dressing Area....   
A lone Wolverine sat on a hard plastic chair waiting for Marie to show him her "outfits". Said girl emerged in a green and black bikini that was just barely on this side of indecent. Logan shed his jacket and jumped up. He wrapped the jacket around her and scooped her up. He started stalking back to the changing rooms when a friendly Wal-Mart employee blocked his path.   
"Sir. Sir. You can't go back there. It's a WOMEN"S changing room. Men are not allowed."   
"Oh, and who the hell is going to stop me?" Logan snarled.   
"Never mind. Do whatever you like, and have a nice day." The clerk said before meekly shuffling back to the counter.   
Logan sniffed out the stalls for the one Marie had been occupying. When he found the right one he shouldered his way in with Marie still cradled in his arms.   
"Logan, what the hell was that all about?!" a clearly miffed Rogue demanded. She set her hands on her hips and the jacket fell open displaying a nearly naked Marie to Logan's hungry gaze.   
"I was just, um, uh helping you?" he finished weakly.   
"Helping me? How is picking me up and carrying me around like a baby helping me?" she questioned "And what exactly were you helping me with Logan?"   
He tried to remember what she was talking about. He really gave it a valiant effort, but with her cheeks all flushed and her chest heaving like that, it was damn hard to concentrate on anything. He dragged his gaze back up to her face, which sealed his fate. Watching her luscious lips as she yelled at him finished him off. He lost control and grabbed her. He brought his lips down on hers and thrust his tongue into her still open mouth.   
She grabbed his head and moaned contently into his mouth. The kiss deepened and Rogue found herself flush up against Logan's obviously aroused body. He grabbed her ass and shifted her up his body as he backed to the bench and sat down. Now firmly in his lap, Marie ground down on his erection, eliciting a groan from the man beneath her.   
Logan's hands traveled to her breasts and it was her turn to moan as he kneaded the soft flesh with his hands. He pulled her away from him, and said "hang on Marie," as he slid out a claw and ripped a small hold in the bottom half of the suit. He slid the claw back in and was nearing his goal when a knock on the door interrupted them.   
"Excuse me miss, but we need this booth for another customer."   
A sigh escaped Marie as she climbed off Logan. Before she could get completely away from him he pulled her down again and thrust up against her. He leaned into her ear and whispered "We'll finish this later," before he stood up and left the room for her to get dressed, he threw "Marie, get that suit" over his shoulder.   
  
20 minutes later...........   
"Logan, you need to get sparkplugs for the cycle remember?" Marie added as she steered Logan in the right direction. As he picked the box up that Jubilee had planted oh-so-carefully, Rogue squeezed his ass in hopes of distracting him into not noticing the slight weight of the box. Walking past the men's clothing department, Rogue spotted a shirt that Logan just "had to have." He was interested in the shift of her hips as she sauntered over to the rack, so Logan let her drag him over there.   
After meeting up with the other kids, the group was ready to proceed to the check out. Had Logan not been focusing all of his attention on the girl tucked into his side, he would have noticed the looks of pure mischief on their faces. Logan pulled out his credit card that automatically charged everything he purchased to Charles Xavier's school. The sales clerk gave him a funny look, as he rang up the purchases. The box of sparkplugs kept registering as an "invalid item," so the clerk called the computer tech over. Ed came storming over, and recognizing Kurt and St. John he let out a loud cry. "Ah! I knew it, these little devils are the ones that cost me `alf an `our tryin' to fix their bloody mess! Ach! They're no good!"   
Logan threw a glare at the two. "What the hell did you two do?"   
"Uh, well see it was just, we were, um-"   
"Makin' a bloody mess. They destroyed about $2,000 of merchandise, and made me loose my marbles." Ed supplied.   
"They'll clean up the mess." Logan assured him.   
"No they most certainly won't. They're not to set foot in a Wal-Mart again!" Ed finished.   
"Ed, would ya mind helping me out here?" the clerk asked. After attempting to ring the box through again, they decided just to open it and scan the serial number of the sparkplugs. Only, there weren't spark plugs in it. The box was filled with O.B. tampons. The barely contained smirks on Remy and Jubilee's faces gave them away. The two were also sent off to sign papers stating that they'd never step foot in a Wal-Mart again.   
By the time they went to ring the shirt through, the Wal-Mart clerk figured he should check the shirt. As he reached into it to check for a surprise, a green set of lingerie came tumbling out. Turning to glare at Bobby and Kitty, who were laughing hysterically, the clerk simply pointed in the direction that the other four had gone in.   
"At least, that little surprise will be useful, Logan" Rogue purred in his ear as she nodded in the direction of the lingerie. Logan growled low in his throat. He didn't know whether to be pissed off or turned on. As images of Marie wearing that little green number flashed through his mind, Logan decided on the latter. In the meantime the manager of the Wal-Mart came over to Logan and demanded that he also sign a contract saying he'd never come back. He later amended it to include the entire X-Men team.   
  
Snapping back to reality, Logan turned to Scott and simply said, "If getting banned from Wal-Mart means that I don't ever have to haul teenagers around to some fuckin' place again, then yeah, it was worth it. `Sides. Marie looked pretty damn good in one of the reasons we got kicked out." Logan finished enjoying the shocked look on the fearless leader's face.   
Speaking of which, Marie was currently lounging around the pool in the old one piece of hers.   
"Logan, are you busy?" she asked.   
"No. Where's your other suit Marie?"   
"Well, Logan, you kinda sliced a hole in it and it's indecent to wear in public. You wanna take me to get a new one?"   
"Sure darlin."   
As they headed off to Logan's truck he wondered what K-Mart's policy on dressing rooms was. 


End file.
